As a relationship coach, I talk to a lot of women who are relatively convinced that either all men are dogs or all the good ones are gone. I can tell you with complete certainty that's just not true. I see great men pretty much everywhere I look. I have a bunch of really incredible men on my case load who are single and looking.
In all fairness though, there are a lot of man-children out there on the dating market, and they get around. They give the species a bad name. These men are unbalanced, immature and self-absorbed. However, let's face it, there are also unstable, immature and self-absorbed women playing the game also.
I was talking to a lovely woman a few days ago who was convinced she couldn't spot a "real man" if he were sitting right in front of her. She had a track record of attracting men who couldn't pull their weight financially or emotionally. She simply could not see the signs. She's not alone.
So, here is a cheat sheet for being able to identify a real life grown up balanced man. Once you know the signs, you'll be able to spot them and realize they aren't an endangered species after all. It's biological for men. They are protectors and providers. I know that sounds outdated. I get that old fashioned gender rolls don't always roll in our society now. However, a balanced, healthy, grown up man will still do everything in his power to ensure his woman is content, even if she's the bread winner and he's a stay at home dad. Yes, of course, people who are in relationships do things for each other. They take care of each other as an act of love. However, a real man who's worth your time is happy to do his own laundry and keep track of his bank balance.
1. A balanced grown up man wants his woman to be happy. He will do what he can to make her happy and keep her that way.
It's biological for men. They are protectors and providers. I know that sounds outdated. I get that old fashioned gender rolls don't always roll in our society now. However, a balanced, healthy, grown up man will still do everything in his power to ensure his woman is content, even if she's the bread winner and he's a stay at home dad.
2. A balanced grown up man can take care of himself. Stating the obvious, a grown up man is not looking for a mommy.
A grown up man isn't looking for a maid, a nanny, or a cook. He's looking for a woman who lights his soul on fire and makes him want to be better for her every day. A grown up man isn't forever reliving his glory days. He might wear his college jersey and watch the football game on Saturday afternoon. He may even go out with his college buddies. However, he is also focused on his personal development. He grows and learns.
3. A grown up man knows he's not done growing.
A grown up man keeps his eye on the future. Men are builders by nature. A healthy man has an instinct to create something for himself and his family. He will stretch himself to build and evolve. He isn't indulging his addictions. He doesn't play with fire. He might have a drink or two, but he's not a drunk. He probably pops a handful of vitamins, but he's not popping pills. He loves seeing a beautiful woman, but he's not hiding from his life through porn.
4. A balanced grown up man is sober.
A grown up man is not being an addict. That doesn't mean he never had an addiction. It simply means he chooses to be sober and lives life his life feeling his emotions. He doesn't need to numb himself to get through the day. Sure, he gets mad. We all do. However, his anger never leaves his partner feeling afraid, abused, or damaged. A balanced man can own his feelings. He can express them, even the ugly ones with love and consideration.
5. A grown up man knows how to communicate and can manage his anger with hostility.
A grown up man can and will talk. He might not talk on command if he's not ready, but he will always come back to the table. A balanced man doesn't leave you wondering if he's into you. He will show you with his actions that he's into you. He can talk about the future and include you in that. He says the right things and more importantly does the right things.
6. A healthy balanced man will pursue, and he can commit.
A healthy man won't dodge or ditch out on conversations about your relationship. In fact, he may instigate them. He knows himself well enough to speak maturely about the pace of relationship and timing.
He never leaves you wondering how he feels because he shows you how he feels and can speak to it. He is generous with his time and doesn't play games with money. He doesn't make you feel guilty about paying for dinner, and he doesn't make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with him.
7. A healthy grown up man is secure enough to be generous.
However, the thing to know is he's generous with everyone. You may not get all his time and attention. But he never leaves you feeling hungry or makes you feel needy. He has relationships with friends and family that have stood the test of time. He may not be close to every member of his family. However, he will have relationships that have history.
8. A real man has a history of being able to do relationship.
There are people in his life who love him. There are people in his life who are protective of him. You want a man who has people in his life who will want to vet you and then accept you with open arms. He's not possessive. He doesn't need to own you. He wants you to have a life and doesn't want to supervise it.
9. A grown up man is not a jealous and controlling dick.
A healthy man isn't looking sideways at you when you talk to another man. He doesn't get mad when you go out with your girlfriends, even if you're late. He won't freak out if your ex-emails or calls.
A grown up man does not isolate you. He encourages you to have a life, and he supports your relationships with other people, whether they are male or female. He mans up when the plumbing needs fixing. He will go to your sister's wedding with you and sit next to you at your grandma's funeral. He doesn't run for the hills when you're PMSing.
10. A real balanced man shows up when it's not easy. He show's up when you're not easy.
He would never shame you for being emotional. In fact, he secretly kind of loves it. He will laugh with you and hold you when you're crying for no reason. He doesn't judge. He just shows up.
This is a man who does not ditch out when the going gets tough. He shows up and shines. He takes charge if you need him to or he takes a back seat and supports if that's what in order.