A story of a toxic heart
I will never forget the day when I was sitting in my oncologist's office, wondering, how I am going to tell him that I do not want his treatment because I decided instead to save myself by learning how to forgive. He had six months of strong chemotherapy planned for me, mainly because he could not believe how mild was the previous treatment they had given me four years back in Prague. That's why it had come back. He was sure, but I was not to worry, he had a plan and luckily for me, he decided not to go ahead with the bone marrow transplant as the chemotherapy would be strong enough. I summoned my courage and meekly said: "I am not going to accept the treatment, I know this faith healer and I learned with her how to forgive and how to let go, I decided...." He did not let me finish what I wanted to say and told me about the second biopsy they wanted me to have and I smiled, because at first they told me that the tumour is too big to do anything with it. I stayed quiet and listened to his plans for me.
I knew he was just trying to help, but my oncologist did not know me. He knew nothing about my toxic heart that was so traumatised that I simply could not add any more trauma to it. I had a toxic heart full of unprocessed memories, negative emotions and secrets. I buried them deep, thinking the deeper they are, the better, the less the chance I will ever have to deal with them. I hid it well against the outside world, but the deeper I hid it, the heavier it got. He knew nothing about my fight with God, who I like everybody else in hard times asked: "Why me God, why are you punishing me?" But the more and more I thought about my ordeal, the more I saw it as a chance to heal that broken heart of mine and get my soul back on track. And so I made peace with God and saw cancer as an opportunity to heal me on a deeper level. In order to heal completely I had to heal the root of the problem, not the consequences. I somehow had to learn how to cleanse my toxic heart. And so at the age of 28, I found myself with a broken heart, dying body and tired soul and with nowhere to go, asking God for a miracle. Even I thought that is impossible! He knew nothing about the faith healer who taught me how to forgive and who I called desperate and beaten, who told me about self-love and forgiveness, and how I wondered if something so simple can cure me of my troubles. I took my toxic heart to her and wanted her to rid me of all my troubles, without me doing a thing! But she had a different idea, telling me, I need to learn how to forgive myself and them too! I became annoyed with her, was she not listening, I am not the one who was hurting, should they not beg me for forgiveness? "You are forgiving for your own benefit, not for them", she replied, "Because you are the one carrying the pain." I spent two weeks with her, going through the content of my heart day and night, dealing with my sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, shame, confusion and discomfort. I was facing things I have been running away from for years, realising that by not willing to forgive I was letting the past hurt me again and again. She helped me to find a cure for my toxic heart. The oncologist knew nothing about the day when this simple act of forgiveness, changed my heart at once, for I found a girl who did not want to judge them or her, who had only compassion to offer, no matter how hard or awful the crime was towards her. This simple act of forgiveness, got my soul back on track, transformed my burdens to love and made my tumour shrink the very first night I started on this voyage of forgiveness. He knew nothing about me and my journey. My oncologist could not help me the way I needed or wanted. I will never forget the day when I was sitting in my oncologist's office, wondering, how I am going to tell him that I do not want his treatment because I decided instead to save myself by learning how to forgive. I will never forget the day I was facing the world with a peaceful heart. I realised all those years I was fighting with and against what had happened to me and therefore with the world, but most importantly I realised that all those years I was at war with myself. By willing to forgive I was ending all the wars I fought with everything and everybody. I was setting myself free. By willing to forgive, all I had to lose was a toxic heart.
I never needed the chemotherapy, as my second biopsy proved to be benign, despite the fact that the first one, done only a few weeks back was malignant. When they called my name to tell me the result I heard one nurse whispering to the other one something about a complicated case. But when I look back at it, I find my case quite simple. I had a toxic heart and I needed to cleanse it, that was all, pure and simple.
My name is Maria Pelisek and I am just an ordinary girl with an extraordinary experience who loves writing and telling people about the power of forgiveness.