"...abusers...work to separate..." ~ You, Me, Life, Dreams ~
Abusive people can come in a variety of shapes and forms. Just by looking at someone, you will rarely be able to tell if they have abusive patterns about them. Abusers, like to believe that they are smarter than most anyone else; this often comes because of huge levels of insecurity that dwell within them and a compounding sense of guilt that grows from their choices to abuse others.
The key component with abusers is to twist things around and play lots of mind games, discounting the person that they are abusing. However, even more than that they begin with a conquer and divide method. They know that there is no way to get and maintain control if others are in the picture; and their first step to having that control is to get someone to detach from their sources of love and support. If you find someone doing this, it is best to step out as soon as you detect it; and let them be the one that you separate from.
The abuser uses mind control techniques such as repeatedly telling their target that others don't really care for them. They will tell them how inadequate that they are; and that the abuser is the only one that cares at all for them, thus creating a platform for their abuse to be "for their good". They want them to believe that the abuser is the only one that cares about them; and that they should exclude everyone else.
While for many these tactics are visible, although not always to the person in the situation being controlled; many times they come in much more subtler forms. The words become twisted in a way where the abuser takes over making decisions for the other person such as "this will be the best thing" or "you better just do this, because you are not able to take care of this right now".
I like to think of myself as a very wise person; and yet, have caved to this many times in my past. However, there came a time a couple of years back where I put an end to an abuse cycle that had been in place for over 25 years; that I never saw as being abusive. This is because the abuser always appeared to be "on my side" or "looking out for me" and there was enough sense and reason in it for me to believe it.
It can be very hard to let go of the hate or anger we have when we find out what someone has really be doing with us; when we find out the truth of what they are all about. However, this ties into one of the greatest prophecies connected to compassion; and that is that we will find peace when we are able to love our enemies. Every major belief system emphasizes this. I have created other posts about how to do this. The grudges and anger will only destroy us; so toss it to the fire, wash it down the river, let it blow away with the wind, and let it rest in the Earth.
Our real freedom from abusers comes in the ability to love them for the challenges that they face and to have compassion for the space they live in. It is not a pleasant one. Walk away; but send them love to move out of that space that they are in.