The Surrender Point

The Surrender Point

written by: Rev. Erin Elam
by: Rev. Erin Elam
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I was coaching a client last night, and we came to that moment that always comes. Sooner or later in the midst of every BreakUp, it comes. I wanted to share this with you, Warriors, because this happens in every single BreakUp. It certainly happened in mine.

There comes a time when the most prudent, logical, rational step is to surrender. Notice I didn't say give up. I said SURRENDER.

Giving up is a cop out. Giving up is a chickenshit thing to do. Giving up is what cowards do. Warriors never give up but we do surrender on occasion.

Surrender is a fully informed, well thought out choice. It's not waving the white flag and losing the war. It's surrendering to something lesser for the sake of something greater.

Surrender is letting go of the fight in order to nourish your emotional health and physical well being. That's where we were last night.

Surrender is refusing to continue the Drama Dance when you feel like you will lose your mind if you don't.

Surrender is when you simply can't row the oars any longer so you let the Universe (or God or Great Spirit or whomever you believe in) take over.

Usually surrendering completely is a process that takes several days. It's the beginning of the end of the chaotic, irrational, manic, Monkey Mind in your brain, and the beginning of the return of clarity, sanity, peace, and sleeping well again.

Surrendering is making a conscious choice to move forward. Many people know that one of my life mottos is "I'll go anywhere as long as it's forward". I don't always live that motto each moment of each day but I'm fiercely committed to that belief on the whole. There's a reason your windshield is larger than your rearview, Warriors - get a clue!

It's not up to me to choose when a client is ready to surrender. I just listen and observe then help make the decision if the timing is right. Each person is different, and each arrives at the Surrender Point in their own time.

The Surrender Point is indeed a turning point. It's a turning away from the past with all its pain and drama to turn toward the future. The process is as spiritual as it is intellectual.

It usually comes when a client decides to stop resisting the Breakup itself.

Let me say that again, it usually comes when a client decides to stop resisting the BreakUp itself. That's not usually the subject at hand or what we're usually discussing when it happens, but that is the core or bottom line of what is happening.

It's always so interesting to me as a student of human behavior and human nature - when we let go of the our resistance to circumstances and our inability to control those circumstances, then peace and calm quickly return.

What you surrender consists of many things: In my case, my Surrender Point was when I was able to let go of the man I thought my husband was. He turned out to not be the man he led me to believe he was/is, and I was devastated. It took me weeks to emotionally come to terms with it. I now see him for who he is, and I know in my soul that who he is will never be a compatible match for me.

  • the vision you had for the rest of your life
  • the fantasy of who your mate/employer/ family member, friend, etc. was/is
  • control over the other person's behavior and feelings
  • control over the circumstances/situation you're in
  • anything that has happened or either of you have said or done in the past
  • arguing, blaming, shaming, game playing, finger pointing, cussing, fussing
  • control over the future

I love the concept of Surrender. It can be applied in the most difficult and the most simple of manners throughout your daily life